Hi again & thanks so much for visiting. I hope you enjoy my latest blog.
I’ll promptly say that this post is not on a theme of regret. It’s about how the past has helped… I’m bold enough to say it’s been vital. I have a fair amount to share on this subject.
For a long period of time all that I could manage to do was either look out of the window, look at the wall or the ceiling. Any other mental stimuli was just far too much. Funny isn’t it, and I’m sure we all do it, that you can find images in the plaster, a shadow or crack in the paintwork…almost searching for a new one, but enjoying the familiarity of ones already discovered. Or is that just me? Me and my paintwork ‘are like this’!
Decorative detail, or lack of, is all very lovely but when you’ve seen that shadow enumerable times…it gets boring, even when you’re struggling to function. This is where my memory has stepped in. Ah..”but don’t ME/cfs sufferers experience cognitive dysfunction?” The answer is yes. Word finding, speech, listening, following visually, reading, writing, retaining & learning new information, remembering detail…the list goes on, la lala lala! For me personally historical recall of life pre-ME/cfs has for the most part remained intact, thankfully… even when I struggle/d to keep my eyes open for any part of the day.
I’m going back to a number of years ago in Asia. I was fortunate for some years to live on one of the islands that make up part of the bussling city of Hong Kong. That place certainly fills every sense to over flowing. There was a very pleasant place to pop into in Central called Princes Building, to escape the heat or the rain or both, or especially if you wanted to find that little treat to remind of home…chocolate, a certain biscuit, celebration foods. I can still visualise a trip round the small food store there. It was an extravagance to be truthful, but once in a while seemed ok.
I digress and before I’m distracted further by thoughts of chocolate, I’ll continue. I clearly remember on one of my ‘pop ins’ whilst gently ascending on the escalator, I noticed a large painting strategically placed for maximum view. It really caught my eye & not something I was expecting. It was of dense woodland, mainly pine I think, beautifully rich and green…painted as a slightly elevated view, so you could just peak over the top…but couldn’t quite see further beyond. Well, that’s my recollection many years forward. I wish at the time I had enquired about who had painted it, a postcard or small print would have been great, but I became busy with my day (& probably by chocolate), forgot and didn’t expect to see it again.
Many years later I was reminded of that very painting, under circumstances so unexpected. Really, I find it astonishing and it did take me some time for the recall to kick in when in so dense a fog. The view from my window, which I have spent alot of time sleepily gazing from to see a bit of ‘world’ is of that very woodland. How do I take that? For a time I have to say I was a bit confused and my attitude was one of ‘great, thanks for that’! But there has been development in that emotion, when I explored my sense of confused disappointment a little more. I basically had a chat to God about it.
It then became clearer. I can look at it two ways, as a reminder of the past and what once was, or a promise. I choose to see it as a promise, that I will get beyond that view and see beyond it. That I am not forgotten, even though I have often felt like a shadow. The beauty of the image has been somehow transposed here and even though my life is pretty confined, I can be open to beauty, nature and images around me… I can take such pleasure from it during the changing seasons, the birdsong and the subtle colours.
The scripture I’m posting below once again really leapt out at me (& this was some time ago & not because it mentions a tree), but that in a day dreamy moment years ago I was given something unexpected that would bring hope & colour in a time of great need…remind me of how loved I am. That we are known in detail & by no means forgotten… we are not insignificant, although at times due to circumstance can feel that, there is care in that knowledge of us…and not generalised.
I’ll go go further, be bold and describe life as blessed. I have had richness of experience to draw on. Not so easy when confinement occurs for many at a much younger age. I’m very fortunate.
Part 2 of the blog on this theme will be posted soon. Thanks for reading…
John 1:48 ~ …”Where did you get to know me?” Jesus answered, “I saw you under the fig tree…”
Song suggestion ~ Oceans (Where Feet May Fail) by Hillsong United